‘Well you only need the light when it’s burning low
Its strange really… You promise not to think dark thoughts but you do anyway. The urge to feel is strong, but theres something holding you back. People. People and them constantly judging. What if people saw the scars? I dont even want to think about it. And the thoughts come out of nowhere. When you’re laughing… You cant help but think, ‘what if things were different? Would I even feel this way? Thats the scary thing, what if I stay like this forever and everyone around me are oblivios to the things that go in my head? I dont know what I want.
I’ve been staring at my wrists lately and having thoughts, I’ve never had before. Thoughts I cant imagine in my wildest dreams. Goosebumps rise on my skin and my hands start shaking.
~ Fatima Khan
That wasnt something which I wrote, it was written by my bestfriend/sister.
Her instagram- @auragirl_13
My instagram- @pwincezzmaria
Comment if she should make her own her blog!
I get pissed off at my friends sometimes, also if I am sad about something else then I tend to say something to them which ends our relationships.
Some cases I say something really over the top and mean.
Sometimes I call them something rude.
I distant myself from my friends, and then expect them to forgive me.
Sometimes they understand, and most times they dont.
Thats the amazing thing about my sister (shes actually my bestfriend), she understands, yes she gets pissed at me alot, but she understands, thats one of the many thing I love about her.
Im slipping into that dark place again, I have mixed feelings towards it, I like it because I feel human but I dont like it because it affects everybody around me.
Music was my escape. It just doesnt work anymore.
Sleep was my escape, but I dont want to sleep because I know I’ll have to wake up again.
At the moment photography and blogging are my escapes.
A friend of mines status currently is ‘You arent given a hard or easy life, you are given a life, you decide what it is’. Thats amazing advice, but ‘easier said than done’.
I wonder every single fucking day why me?
Why do I have to suffer?
But everyone has to suffer, but God gives it to people who can handle it.
You see, I cannot.
Im struggling so much.
I need fucking help.
I dont even know what the fuck my life is right now.
I hope you have an amazing day and stay beautiful!
I was only diagnosed with anxiety a few months ago. I didnt really think much of it. Until, I had my first panic attack. I remember it so vividly! Each detail.
‘I was in History class, my favourite class. I was sat with 3 of my close friends. (Not friends anymore). We were working on laptops. Suddenly my hands started shaking and I had this banging headache. I didnt think much of it, until I felt like I was being choked, I couldnt breathe. I sat there with this uneasy, tight feeling inside, and didnt have the courage to go up to the teacher and tell him, what I was feeling. After a few minutes, I gathered all my courage, and told him what I felt like and he offered me to go outside the class for a few minutes. I went outside and walked side to side. My teacher came out and asked if I was asthamatic, I replied no, (my voice sounded like I was crying) and he instantly knew I was having a panic attack, he got me water and went back inside. I stood there, thinking I was dying. I went back inside and acted normal. And none of my so-called close friends asked me what had happened’
By the way, I had no idea I was having a panic attack, whilst I was having one.
After that, I panicked in almost every history lesson, that I would have another one.
It was dreadful, and I thought.
‘Millions of people go through this everyday? Wow, thats what you call strong.’
All my plans are made with my anxiety in mind. I cant go to places, that will be crowded because I cant breathe. Etc;
People like me, with anxiety cant really have a normal life, we do try.
In the start, I useto complain about my anxiety with people. My intention was to warn them, incase I suddenly have a panic attack, but they found it as me complaining. Then people complained about me ‘complaining’, then I stopped complaining. Woah, that was alot of ‘complaining’ in that sentence! Anyway, I tried to change and not ‘complain’, so I kept this ‘anxiety diary’.
At first it was a diary to write my feelings in, but now its a book which I write/doodle in when I feel anxious or even bored.
I take it out of my bag, in class and put it on the table, and my friends write random stuff in it. Its fun to look through it.
Here are some snippets of the inside of my diary:
I write random things. For example, quotes & lyrics.
For anyone who has anxiety, I strongly advise you make one of these. If you do then:
•DO NOT write how you feel when you’re anxious. Because you are focusing on them feelings, then they grow, which can lead to a panic attack.
•DO doodle, write random things.
I hope you enjoyed reading this.
Have an amazing day and stay beautiful!
Q1) Coffee or tea?
Q2) Black and white or colour?
A) Black and white
Q3) Drawings or paintings?
Q4) Dresses or skirts?
Q5) Books or movies?
Q6) Pepsi or coke?
Q7) Chinese or Italian? (Foodwise)
Q8) Early bird or night owl?
Q8) Chocolate or vanilla?
Q9) Hugs or kisses?
Q10) Winter or summer?
Q11) Spring or fall?
Q12) Rural or Urban?
A) Rural, because its quiet.
Q13) Tan or pale?
Q14) Cake or Pie?
Q15) Ice cream or yogurt?
A) Ice cream!
Q16) Ketchup or mustard?
Q17) Comedy or mystery?
Q18) Boots or sandals?
Q19) Silver or gold?
Q20) Dancing or singing?
Q21) Dark or white chocolate?
Q22) Tattoos or piercings?
Q23) Cats or dogs?
Q24) Glasses or contacts?
Q25) Heels or flats?
Have an amazing day and stay beautiful!
Follow me on instagram @pwincezzmaria
Life is a crazy rollercoaster that you cannot simply get off.
Thats the sad part.
Life right now for me, is well, unpredictable.
My anxiety has taken over my life, and I do everything according to it.
Someone told me that behind my anxiety and stress is anger.
Anger towards my family for not being supportive.
Anger towards my friends, because they simply just dont understand.
And anger towards myself, because I am not good enough.
The problem is, how can I release my anger, without hurting anybody?
I am currently 14 years old, living in the uk. I am trying to find myself, because I dont know who I am, and what I want.
Thats all for now.
I hope you have an amazing day, and stay beautiful!