I was only diagnosed with anxiety a few months ago. I didnt really think much of it. Until, I had my first panic attack. I remember it so vividly! Each detail.
‘I was in History class, my favourite class. I was sat with 3 of my close friends. (Not friends anymore). We were working on laptops. Suddenly my hands started shaking and I had this banging headache. I didnt think much of it, until I felt like I was being choked, I couldnt breathe. I sat there with this uneasy, tight feeling inside, and didnt have the courage to go up to the teacher and tell him, what I was feeling. After a few minutes, I gathered all my courage, and told him what I felt like and he offered me to go outside the class for a few minutes. I went outside and walked side to side. My teacher came out and asked if I was asthamatic, I replied no, (my voice sounded like I was crying) and he instantly knew I was having a panic attack, he got me water and went back inside. I stood there, thinking I was dying. I went back inside and acted normal. And none of my so-called close friends asked me what had happened’
By the way, I had no idea I was having a panic attack, whilst I was having one.
After that, I panicked in almost every history lesson, that I would have another one.
It was dreadful, and I thought.
‘Millions of people go through this everyday? Wow, thats what you call strong.’
All my plans are made with my anxiety in mind. I cant go to places, that will be crowded because I cant breathe. Etc;
People like me, with anxiety cant really have a normal life, we do try.
In the start, I useto complain about my anxiety with people. My intention was to warn them, incase I suddenly have a panic attack, but they found it as me complaining. Then people complained about me ‘complaining’, then I stopped complaining. Woah, that was alot of ‘complaining’ in that sentence! Anyway, I tried to change and not ‘complain’, so I kept this ‘anxiety diary’.
At first it was a diary to write my feelings in, but now its a book which I write/doodle in when I feel anxious or even bored.
I take it out of my bag, in class and put it on the table, and my friends write random stuff in it. Its fun to look through it.
Here are some snippets of the inside of my diary:
I write random things. For example, quotes & lyrics.
For anyone who has anxiety, I strongly advise you make one of these. If you do then:
•DO NOT write how you feel when you’re anxious. Because you are focusing on them feelings, then they grow, which can lead to a panic attack.
•DO doodle, write random things.
I hope you enjoyed reading this.
Have an amazing day and stay beautiful!